Tuesday, August 30, 2005

At Peace... Almost - Part 1

When last we left our hero, Yarael Poof had decided to seek out Master Qui-Gon Jinn to help him with some of the finer points of being a Force Ghost...

Scene 1: Qui-Gon's and Jawajuice's apartment.

Yarael: Mon, jah got to help me. I can't do any o' de tings what make life worth living!
Qui-Gon: I'd be, like, glad to help with -
Jawajuice: Not now, though. I need you here, to help prevent Count Dooku from making a hostile takeover of our brownie company and turning it into a chain of cheap fast food stores!
Yarael: What be more important, mon? Me wellbeing, or jah brownie company?
Qui-Gon: My little buddy has a point, Yarael. It's not just the brownies, it's, like, the principle of the thing. Count Dooku's fast food outlets will sell totally fatty food, that has, like, no Kessel spi- er... no *flavor* - and will, like, ruin planetary health standards. We've lost enough battles so far - Bantha King and Kentucky Fried Kaadu have drawn so many teenagers away from healthy foods. If McDooku's opens, there'll be, like, an obesity epidemic.
Yarael: I'll tell jah what, mon. I'll raid Rooku McDooku's warehouse and destroy de secret recipies for his cheap fast food, den jah can help me wit' de whole "being one wit' de living Force" ting.
Jawajuice: I suppose that could work. Come back here with absolute proof that you've done it, and not only will I loan you Qui-Gon, I'll give you a cut-price insurance policy.
Yarael: I'm dead, mon. What would I need jah insurance policy for?
Jawajuice: Well... I'll give you some discount brownies, then.
Qui-Gon: Would those be the brownies that, like, fell in the-
Jawajuice: Shhhh...

The deal is made, and Yarael floats through the ether towards Rooku McDooku's warehouse on Serenno...

Monday, August 29, 2005

Comin to terms wit' bein dead

I be dead, and dere don't be much I can do about it, mon. I know I've been agonisen to jah about it for de past two days, but it be preyen on my mind a lot. Today, I made up my mind to list de good and bad points o' bein dead.

Bad Points
  • I can't drink me rum.
  • I can't play de bongos.
  • If I don't be concentraten hard, I fall through de floor.
  • I be dead. Das' de heart o' de matter. I don't be liken de whole idea.

Good Points

  • I don't be needen to eat no more - das' just an inconvenience.
  • I'm a Force-Ghost, so I be able to scare Yoda now. Jah should see de fun Qui-Gon has wit' him.

Sadly, I can't tink o' much else. But if I be finden a way to drink me rum and play me bongos wit' my ethereal hands, I can put up wit' de rest, I tink. Tomorrow, I be goin' to find dat Qui-Gon Jinn and be seein what advice he be havin'.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Second Day o' Bein' Dead

... and I still be haten it. Dat Qui-Gon Jinn, he always be sayen dat bein' one wit' de livin' Force be great, but bein' dead really throws off me rhythm, mon, and I can't be jammin' to de Force properly. I tink I must'a done someting wrong in de whole "becomen' one wit' de Force" ting, 'cause he can pick tings up and stuff, and I can't even be playin' de bongos no more.

Now, I be out on de streets - tanks to de Jedi council - and I got to earn money, mon. A street-wise Jedi can get a lot o' money out o' con-men usually by usen' de Force, but today I had bad luck. See, de con-men have a union just like all de other industries. And dey have great dental! De Jedi dental plan... well, let's just say it be one o' de reasons I *almost* became a Sith. Anyway, dey not be liken it when de Jedi use de Force on dem. See, de con-man I spoke to had hidden his pea under de *fourth* cup, dat be hidden behind his back, and after I lost thirty credits to him I just used de Force to make de pea explode... It be a long story after dat, but now my picture be distributed to all de con-men in Coruscant. And dere be old people threatenen to sue me because dey can't see me now dat I'm transparent, mon, wit' dere bad eyes and all - dey walk right through me and get a taste o' de chill o' de grave...

Don' worry, be happy... Easier said dan done, mon.

Just Typical

I leave for two days, mon, two measly days, and I come back DEAD! Dem High Council be having a lot to answer for now, mon. And dem bounty hunters who came wit' me be in perfect health. Yah, mon, Coruscant is safe from de forces of evil once again and all dat, but I'm DEAD! I can't play de bongos. I can't drink me rum. Heck, mon, I had to borrow Master Yoda's Stupid Intern to even type up dis post! And what's more, dey be kickin' me out o' de Jedi Temple! Someting about de government grants only paying for de administratin' costs o' *one* spirit Jedi at a time. Dey just be stingey, jah know.

So now, I be out on de street. And I can't play de bongos or drink me rum. Life be bad. No - I don't even be alive no more! Death be sucky.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Off I Go...

Dem other Jedi be so lazy, mon. No sooner dan I get back from de duel wit' dat no-good Gungan, dey be giving me a new mission. I wasn't really listenin', mon, but it be someting about some weapon or other, and a threat to Coruscant, and blah blah blah. Come on, mon, Coruscant always be in danger dese days. Don' worry; be happy! And de "partners" I have to work wit', a couple o' bounty hunters o' some kind... what do dere names be... Jango Fett and Zam Wessel, das dem. Now, dis be boring. Even stayen here and teachen de younglings to play de bongos be more interesten dan dis, mon. But anyway, I got to be leaven now, mon, but dis won't take more dan a minute.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Jar Jar Binks vs Yarael Poof: Part 3

Continued from Jar Jar's Blog...

Jar Jar: Bawk! Bawk! Buck-karck!
Yarael: Heh heh. I got jah now, mon!
He regains his composure after his sneezing fit and picks up the voodoo doll, before skewering it with his pin. Jar Jar is unnaffected.
Jawajuice: Huh? What?
He leafs through the instruction book of his DIY Voodoo kit.
Jawajuice: Oh, yeah, right. Since Jar Jar has changed his form, Yarael will need a whole new kaadu-shaped voodoo doll to attack him! A cunning strategy, Jar Jar.
Jar Jar: Bawk! Er... yeah. Bawk! Issen mesa... strategy. Issen noah an accidenty. Bawk! Buck-karck!
Yarael: Jah gonna pay for dat...
He crushes the gungan doll and starts remolding it into a kaadu shape.
Jawajuice: Is Jar Jar going to stand for this? No, he's picking up a potion bottle in his beak... dropping it... going for it again... ooh, he's trying to make a sort of pincer movement... he's got it!
Jar Jar crams the bottle into his mouth, then spits it towards Yarael. It lands on the marshmallows that Jar Jar accidentally created earlier, bounces a few times, and fails to burst.
Yarael: What jah gonna do now, mon?
Jar Jar: Er... Buckarck?
Jawajuice: Wait a minute; that bottle doesn't look like one of Jar Jar's! It's too fancy! Something's up here...
Jar Jar charges at Yarael and crushes the bottle beneath his feet, causing the potion's effects to come into play...

Continued on Jar Jar Binks's blog...

Jar Jar Binks vs Yarael Poof: Part 1

Jawajuice: It's a lovely day down here at the edge of the dune sea, we've got sun, sand... more sun... sand... lots of sun... ooh! Look there! A rock! Eh... never mind. Jar Jar and Yarael, incensed by each others denouncements of their prefered brands of magic, have come to blows... we can see the contestants entering now...
Jar Jar enters from the left, Yarael from the right.
Jar Jar: Yousa gonna getten pasten, Poofy!
Yarael: We'll just see about dat, mon.
Jawajuice: 3, 2, 1, BEGIN!
The two shamans begin circling each other, looking for openings. Suddely, Yarael strikes, lunging forward with a knife and cutting a scrap of cloth from Jar Jar's robe.
Jar Jar: Hah! Yousa missen!
Yarael: No, I didn't.
He strikes again, this time cutting the frog-thing's skin and catching the piece before it drifts to the ground.
Jar Jar: OW!
Yarael: Hah! I got jah now!
Yarael quickly whips out a gungan-shaped voodoo doll and attaches the cloth and skin to the tiny mannakin.
Jawajuice: Ooh, it looks like Yarael has prepared a Jar Jar voodoo doll!
Yarael: Now jah goin' down, froggo!
He stabs the doll with a pin. Jar Jar falls to the ground.

Continued on Jar Jar Binks's blog...

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Time to fight, mon.

Dat Jar Jar Binks has it comin, mon. He tinks dat voodoo is inferior to his wierd Gungan mystic ways, and I don't be jammin' to dat. So tomorrow, we duel. At dawn, out in de dune sea on Tatooine, we gonna test out our magic against each other. It don't be a fight to de death, but only 'cause I don't want to be dodgin' a lawsuit. I don't be allowed to jam to de force in de duel, but dat don't be goin to save him, mon. I got a voodoo doll ready, and dat's all I be needin', mon.


Voodoo is da ancient Quermian art of makin' bad stuff happen to other people by projectile acupuncture. Jah got ta make a model of da person, wit' a piece o' deir actual hair and clothing attached, and den stab dem wit' a special needle. Wherever jah stab dem, dey will suffer extreme pain. Now, if jah can jam to de music o' de Force, it gets interestin', mon. I like to make de needle blow up inside the doll - I can cause a heart attack at sixty paces, so watch it, mon! To make jah own voodoo doll, jah got ta make a body de same shape as jah enemy's body out o' straw. It has to look like jah target, mind. Snip some hair from jah enemy and glue it on de head, make some clothes dat look like dere usual outfits, den stab dem wit' a silver pin. When jah does so, jah must try to *believe* dat jah stabbin' de actual person.
I hope jah enjoy voodoo - de best form o' magic in de galaxy!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

I miss Quermia...

Ten tings dat jah might not know about us Quermians (and about me, mon).

1. We got no bones!
2. But to make up for it, we got two brains! Hear dat, Ki Adi Mundi? Jah always talkin' 'bout how jah got superior logic 'cause o' jah two brains, well I got dem too!
3. We got a nose in each hand, mon. We can smell someting by touch.
4. And since we got four arms, we got four noses! How cool is dat, mon?
5. We all got great skills wit' mind-control and telepathy (although, usin' de Force helps, mon). I bet I can read jah mind right now, mon. Jah tinken... dat jah want ta go and eat a sandwich. I suggest peanut butter, mon.
6. I got a cool Jedi power, too, mon. I can use de Force to make stuff blow up! Dat's why dey call me Poof, mon.
7. My favorite drink is rum. It should be jah favorite too, mon.
8. Eh... well, maybe I could only tink o' seven tings mon. But jah should be happy wit' dat.

Now, what jah got ta make sure of is dat jah never try to wrestle wit' a Quermian contortionist. No bones means dat I could probably strangle jah wit' me own neck! Besides dat, dere ain't a lot jah got to know, except dat we can do voodoo.

*picks up doll*
Now, who's dis, mon?
*stabs the doll with a needle*
*a blood-curdling scream is heard from the background*
Ah, I thought it looked like Plo Koon...

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

De Force

Jah know, de Force is like a song. Usin' it is like jammin' to dat song. When you be jammin', jah got to let de music flow through you, just like de Force. It helps to have music too when you be usin' de Force, mon.
See, de other Jedi, dey don't jam to de music much. Except Qui-Gon and Dooku. Now dey did some reighteous jammin' in dere time. But den Quiggy died and Dooku left to join de Sith. *Sigh*. Now Yoda, he don't never do any o' dat jammin' stuff. Sure, he got de whole "don' worry, be happy" ting down right, but he don't get de whole point o' jammin'.
Obi Wan, he goes to far. I say "hakuna matata", not "kahuna potato", jah hear what I'm sayin', mon?
De less said about Mace Windu de better.
Dat Ki Adi Mundi, he don't got no idea how to stop worryin' and just be happy, mon. Dignity don't got noting to do wit' de Force, mon.
Now, A-Dawg (I do speak gangsta-ese, but I'm a bit rusty, so don't jah go askin' me to translate for jah) he got it down okay, but only de "don' worry" part. He got way to much angst, mon. Sand-people-killin' angst, yah.

See, all you Padawans out dere, jah got to jam to de Force, mon. I'll be jammin' here if jah ever need me, mon.

Monday, August 15, 2005

We be jammin'

Most o' de Jedi have gone to de Survivor: Tatooine show to compete. I've been left here, wit' a few others. And dey made me take care o' Yoda's class o' Younglings. I's not good, mon. But I discovered der dat dem Younglings don't play any kind o' musical instrument. Dere education is bein' neglected!
So I taught dem all to play de bongos. Dey ain't up to de standard of a good Quermian bongo-ist, and never will be wi'out reconstructive surgery to give dem extra arms, but dey're not bad for first-timers. I've tried to teach Ki Adi Mundi and Plo Koon de bongos before, but jah know, dey just can't get de hang of it. De secret is "don' worry, be happy". Us Jedi get special anti-angst trainin', so jah'd tink dat dey'd be good a dat, mon. But no.

Now, I got to go and drink me some rum.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Bongos and me

I's a little known fact about us Quermians dat we all have a passion for de bongo drums. De secret is dat we got four arms, mon. Bet jah did'na know dat, huh? We usually have four-sleeved shirts, but de tailors at de Jedi Temple did'na like it at all. Jah also probably did'na know dat all de Jedi robes are made de same. Yoda had to cut his down so much, he could make a whole new spare robe! Anyway, de bongos. I play dem alone, since de other Jedi just don't get how to use dem properly. Yoda's all "Use the force you must, and spend less time working on your four-handed motor skills you should."
Which don't jam wit' me, mon.
Quermians can play four bongos at once, if we're really good. Some of us can even play five, usen de head to hit de fifth bongo. Get six of us in one place, and jah've got jahself a symphony orchestra. I should organise one o' dem sometime.

A Bongo is also a type of submarine common in Gungan civilization. Since they have little or no capacity to be used as a percussion instrument, it is not suggested that you try to use them in symphony orchestras.

Dem Blogger's Department don' know a ting about it, mon.

Hey dere, mon

Welcome to my blog, here, mon. Jah can come as often as jah want to listen to my bongos, or some jedi sage advice. But I've got ta go now, Survivor: Tatooine's on and I don't want to miss it.

Don' worry: be happy!