Psychoanalysis: Part 6
Palpatine: I know you're there, Jedi.
Yarael: Wha- No jah don't, mon! I figured dere be some other Jedi in de room what I didn't know about. But dat theory do be kinda fishy...
Palpatine: *sighs* Yes, I do. Your connection to the ether will not hide you from me, Poof.
Yarael: But... jah be no Jedi, mon! Jah be just a politi-
Palpatine: *raises eybrow* Just a policitian? Den I got de shock o' me afterlife - literally. Palps pointed his fingers at me and let fly wit' a burst o' Force Lightning!
Palpatine: I'm sorry, did I startle you?
Yarael: Force lightnin' be a darkside power! One o' de strongest ones! Dat kind o' trick takes years o' built up hate an' anger ta master... Jah be a... a...
Palpatine: A Sith Lord?
Yarael: A Sith Lord? Well, I was gonna say jah be an overburdened postal worker, but- Wait. A Sith Lord? Oh, I be in trouble now, don't I?
Palpatine: *stands up and walks around his desk* Yes, you are. I can't let you leave now. You know what I am; there are only two ways out for you. One is as my apprentice. The other... He lit up his fingers wit' force lightning.
Yarael: Oh... I had ta take him by surprise. I tink he'd forgotten I can float through walls, mon.
Palpatine: Make your choice. I had an excellent candidate for my next apprentice picked out already - young Skywalker will make a fine Sith - but corrupting a force-ghost would be a remarkable achievement... once any force user reaches that stage of attainment, they are normally committed quite permanently to their own side of the force, whether Light or Dark. You would go down in the Sith Archives as the only ethereal Jedi ever to switch sides. Or I could obliterate your essence and scatter it so far throughout the ether that it would take you a billion years to come back to this plane. Either way is fine, really. Just hurry up about choosing; I have an appointment with my tailor. My newest pair of banana-yellow speedoes is riding up in my crotch a bit, and-
Yarael: Whoa! TOO much information, mon! I waved me arms around in a circle and used de force ta blow up anyting in de room dat not be insured. Den, under de smoke, I flew out de window and hurried back in de direction o' Steve's office.
Steve the Spider: So, how'd it go, bud?
Yarael: Jah don't want ta know. Do jah have a phone I can use, mon?
Steve the Spider: Sure, right over there. I ran over to de phone, switched on de little TV screen next ta it, and dialled de Jedi Temple. Yoda's face appeared.
Master Yoda: Yarael Poof? The middle of the night it is! Dreaming about Dolly I was. Important, this had better be.
Yarael: Oh, if jah only knew, mon! Chancellor Palpatine be a Sith Lord! I was just in his office, mon, and he threw force lightning at me! And worse, he said he be gonna make Ani his apprentice! Dis be bad juju, mon, I know it be.
Master Yoda: A Sith he is? Whoa. See through you I can-
Yarael: Everyone can see through me, mon.
Master Yoda: Interrupt me do not. See through you I can, see the future I can, see which card in the deck is the Ace of Clubs I can, see Dolly Parton I can if squint really hard I do, but see this coming I did not! Do something I must. Send all the Jedi Masters to the Senate this morning will I. And lead them myself, I will. Stopped, this treachery must be.
Yarael: Tank de spirits... Okay, bye, mon.
Steve the Spider: Whoa. I take it your mission didn't go as you expected? Still, you've exposed Palpatine as a Sith Lord. If that's not revenge, I don't know what is.
Yarael: Yah... jah be right, mon. Me business in dis world be... over...
Steve the Spider: So, I suppose I can call this therapy session a great success. He turns away from me ta look at de view. I start ta fade away into de ether. Going...
Steve the Spider: And now to discuss the unpleasant matter of paym- *he turns around, and slaps his forehead* Bugger.
Standing at a computer terminal, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine swaps some wires around, adjusts a dial, polishes the miniature T.V. screen, and takes off the lifelike Yoda puppet he is wearing on his left hand. He chuckles to himself.
Palpatine: "Dreaming about Dolly I was!" Hahaha... All too easy.