Saturday, December 31, 2005

Psychoanalysis: Part 6

I floated through de wall inta Palpatine's office, at 11:55 p.m., December 31 in de year 2005999999. I be invisible, and de old coot be at his desk scrawling his signature on a bunch o' forms. I readied me force-explosion power and glanced about de room for targets. Den...
Palpatine: I know you're there, Jedi.
Yarael: Wha- No jah don't, mon! I figured dere be some other Jedi in de room what I didn't know about. But dat theory do be kinda fishy...
Palpatine: *sighs* Yes, I do. Your connection to the ether will not hide you from me, Poof.
Yarael: But... jah be no Jedi, mon! Jah be just a politi-
Palpatine: *raises eybrow* Just a policitian? Den I got de shock o' me afterlife - literally. Palps pointed his fingers at me and let fly wit' a burst o' Force Lightning!
Palpatine: I'm sorry, did I startle you?
Yarael: Force lightnin' be a darkside power! One o' de strongest ones! Dat kind o' trick takes years o' built up hate an' anger ta master... Jah be a... a...
Palpatine: A Sith Lord?
Yarael: A Sith Lord? Well, I was gonna say jah be an overburdened postal worker, but- Wait. A Sith Lord? Oh, I be in trouble now, don't I?
Palpatine: *stands up and walks around his desk* Yes, you are. I can't let you leave now. You know what I am; there are only two ways out for you. One is as my apprentice. The other... He lit up his fingers wit' force lightning.
Yarael: Oh... I had ta take him by surprise. I tink he'd forgotten I can float through walls, mon.
Palpatine: Make your choice. I had an excellent candidate for my next apprentice picked out already - young Skywalker will make a fine Sith - but corrupting a force-ghost would be a remarkable achievement... once any force user reaches that stage of attainment, they are normally committed quite permanently to their own side of the force, whether Light or Dark. You would go down in the Sith Archives as the only ethereal Jedi ever to switch sides. Or I could obliterate your essence and scatter it so far throughout the ether that it would take you a billion years to come back to this plane. Either way is fine, really. Just hurry up about choosing; I have an appointment with my tailor. My newest pair of banana-yellow speedoes is riding up in my crotch a bit, and-
Yarael: Whoa! TOO much information, mon! I waved me arms around in a circle and used de force ta blow up anyting in de room dat not be insured. Den, under de smoke, I flew out de window and hurried back in de direction o' Steve's office.

Steve the Spider: So, how'd it go, bud?
Yarael: Jah don't want ta know. Do jah have a phone I can use, mon?
Steve the Spider: Sure, right over there. I ran over to de phone, switched on de little TV screen next ta it, and dialled de Jedi Temple. Yoda's face appeared.
Master Yoda: Yarael Poof? The middle of the night it is! Dreaming about Dolly I was. Important, this had better be.
Yarael: Oh, if jah only knew, mon! Chancellor Palpatine be a Sith Lord! I was just in his office, mon, and he threw force lightning at me! And worse, he said he be gonna make Ani his apprentice! Dis be bad juju, mon, I know it be.
Master Yoda: A Sith he is? Whoa. See through you I can-
Yarael: Everyone can see through me, mon.
Master Yoda: Interrupt me do not. See through you I can, see the future I can, see which card in the deck is the Ace of Clubs I can, see Dolly Parton I can if squint really hard I do, but see this coming I did not! Do something I must. Send all the Jedi Masters to the Senate this morning will I. And lead them myself, I will. Stopped, this treachery must be.
Yarael: Tank de spirits... Okay, bye, mon.
Steve the Spider: Whoa. I take it your mission didn't go as you expected? Still, you've exposed Palpatine as a Sith Lord. If that's not revenge, I don't know what is.
Yarael: Yah... jah be right, mon. Me business in dis world be... over...
Steve the Spider: So, I suppose I can call this therapy session a great success. He turns away from me ta look at de view. I start ta fade away into de ether. Going...
Steve the Spider: And now to discuss the unpleasant matter of paym- *he turns around, and slaps his forehead* Bugger.

Standing at a computer terminal, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine swaps some wires around, adjusts a dial, polishes the miniature T.V. screen, and takes off the lifelike Yoda puppet he is wearing on his left hand. He chuckles to himself.
Palpatine: "Dreaming about Dolly I was!" Hahaha... All too easy.

The End

Monday, December 26, 2005

Psychoanalysis: Part 5

Suddenly, I be back in Steve de Spider's padded cell. I knew it still be de dream sequence, though, because I be one foot tall.
Steve de Spider: So, what have we learned?
Yarael: I don'na have ta hate de green riddle monkey, because it don't be his fault I be dead. I don'na need revenge on Jango Fett and Zam Wessel 'cause dey be dead already. I don'na need ta hunt down de Jedi Temple's gas station attendant because...well... I should'a been checken me starfighter's oil tank more often.
Steve de Spider: But you're still here, aren'tcha? There's probably one more thing we need ta find, I reckon. And you just found it. Look more carefully at the last bit.
Yarael: Me oil tank... o' course! Me mechanic should'a found dat, mon!
Steve de Spider: Do you remember who that mechanic was? Think, buddy.
Yarael: A toydarian... I tink 'is name be Obaja.
Steve de Spider: Which, by a great and astounding coincidence, is one of the aliases of the criminally incompetant Coruscant mechanic, Bojaa.
Yarael: I know dat name! I worked for 'im for a while after I died!
Steve de Spider: Exactly. You tipped the cops off about one of his more... insanely psychotic screwups, didn'tcha?
Yarael: I did, yah.
Steve de Spider: There's your revenge.
Yarael: Hey, mon! Dat be no fair! I died, he got left off wit' a warning!
Steve de Spider: Yes, and no. He got let off with a warning, yeah, but that meant that he *didn't* get let off after his next screwup. I think that was blowing up Jar Jar's air-con. Due to the massive radiation damage to the lower city in that suberb, he was sent to prison for twelve years.
Yarael: Ah, good enough.
I start shrinkin again... and stop at half a foot.
Steve de Spider: What is this, Zeno's paradox? How many "last resentments" are we going ta go through?
Yarael: Just de one, I tink.
Steve de Spider: Go on.
Yarael: Do jah remember me duel wit Jar Jar? Dat never got finished.
Steve de Spider: Well, I can't just bring him here to finish the-
Yarael: No, no. I want revenge on de dude who got de duel stopped. Chancellor Palpatine.
Steve de Spider: Eh? How-
Yarael: Long story short, he gave Jar Jar a bottle o' fake potion and Jawajuice had ta call de duel off due ta outside interference.
Steve de Spider: So, I suppose you going up to him invisibly and shouting Boo! is completely out of the question, then?
Yarael: Yah, mon. He needs someting special. Jah know, next year be de year 2006000000. A lot o' people be worried about dem six zeroes on de end, mon, cause dey tink dat de world be gonna end. De same bunch o' lunatics show up every time dere be a lot o' zeroes on de end o' de year. Perhaps if I can trick him inta tinken de world really *is* ending...

Friday, December 23, 2005

Psychoanalysis: Part 4

Zam Wessel: One, two, three, HEAVE!
Yarael Poof: Hnrg!
Jango Fett: Hrrg!
Me memory o' everyting up ta dis bit was hazy, mon. But I could see dis part as clear as de nose on me- wait. Dere don't be no nose on me face. Well, it be a figure o' speech, jah know? Me and Jango be tryen ta move de box wit' dis weapon thingy in it. Zam was doin someting she called moral support. It did'na be worken, mon.
Yarael: Dis be hopeless! We can'na move dis ting!
Zam: Oh, come on! Think happy thoughts, and you can do it!
Jango: It's no use, Zam. Yarael, can you move it with the force?
Yarael: Hey, I know Yoda got dat whole "size matters not" ting going, but none o' de other Jedi believe a word o' it, mon. It be too damn heavy.
Zam: Well can't you try? You'll never do anything if you don't try!
Yarael: Fine, mon.
I waved all four o' me arms at it. I can remember focusin' me mind for dis. It was de last really big use o' de force I did before I died, mon. And it worked. De big box moved.
Jango: Impressive.
Zam: Whoohoo! You did it! Good work!
Yarael: Let's get dis ting out o' here, mon.
We were celebraten', mon, but we did'na know what did be comin' next. As we were headen' back to de ship, we were ambushed. De bandits got de box back, and decided ta use de weapon while dey still could. So dere did be only de one option left: fight our way to de self-destruct mechanism and blow de whole ship ta kingdom come.
Zam: Hmm... this big red button with "Self Destruct Sequence" printed on it looks like a likely choice.
Jango: You don't say.
Yarael: Well, press it and let's be getten' out o' here, mon!
Zam pressed de button and we ran back ta our starfighters. But dere did be a problem. My fighter was out o' gas. And I'd just had it filled up at de temple dat morning, mon! Zam and Jango got out, I did'na, mon. De spaceship went kablammo, and-
Steve the Spider: Hold it, hold it. What's this flashback supposed to be showing us? I don't get it.
Yarael: I do, mon. De gas station attendant at de Jedi Temple. I did'na catch his name, mon. To dis day, I be convinced he swindled me, did'na give me de gas for me fighter. Because o' dat, I died.
Steve the Spider: So that oil leak there didn't have anything to do with it?
Yarael: What?
Steve the Spider: Right there, below the left engine. See? Left unchecked, that could run your whole tank dry in a matter of hours.
Yarael: ...oh.
I shrank down ta only a foot tall. If Steve be right, I be gonna leave for de ether pretty soon, mon.

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Psychoanalysis: Part 3

I was flyin through de filthy, polluted smog o' Coruscant's lower-middle atmosphere. I was followin' a Jedi Starfighter, piloted by a Quermian. Me. Dis be a dream sequence, mon, so I be watching past events unfold. I be talken on de commlink ta someone else, and I zoomed in ta listen properly.
Yarael: Dis be Jedi Master Yarael Poof, mon. How jah be doin?
Jango Fett: Skip the pleasantries, Poof.
Zam Wessel: Well, we're not going to get anywhere with an attitude like that, are we? I think someone needs a nice cup of hot cocoa!
Jango: Er... please, no. Hello, Yarael, it's nice to meet you.
Zam: That's better.
Deir starfighters drew up next ta mine, and Zam waved at me, flashing a huge grin and brandishing a big smiley-face ribbon. Jango did be mercifully unadorned.
Jango Fett: Right, let's get down to business. The bandits we're after have acquired... through us... a powerful weapon that could destroy Coruscant if it is used.
Zam: Those mean old bandits didn't tell us about that when we stole it for them. Now they won't give it back. She pouted.
Yarael: I heard all dat from Yoda, mon. What jah plan ta do about it?
Jango: We have maps of their ship with us. We recorded everything we could while we were there.
Zam: Conscientious bounty hunters at all times, that's us!
Jango: So, we have a fair idea of where this artifact is probably being stored. Our plan is for us to disable as many guards as we can, while you sneak in there and steal it.
Yarael: How big do it be, mon?
Jango: How big?
Yarael: I need ta know if I can carry it.
Jango: Oh. Um.
Zam: I hate to go saying 'I told you so' Jango, but I told you so! Never mind, everybody makes mistakes.
Jango: Come to think of it, this item needs a fairly powerful hovertrolley. Without one, we'll probably all need to be carrying it.
Steve the Spider: Freeze.
De scene froze in place, de starfighters hanging in de air, motionless.
Steve the Spider: So, whaddaya think?
Yarael: Jango and Zam... dat stupid plan o' deirs almost got me killed, mon.
Steve the Spider: Almost?
Yarael: We'll get to dat later, I tink. Won't we, mon? I never really forgave dem, jah know.
Steve the Spider: So maybe you wanted ta get back at them, don't ya think? But they're both dead now, aren't they? Jango died in the battle on Geonosis, killed by Mace Windu. And before that, he killed Zam Wessel himself.
Yarael: Yah... I remember dat, mon. It be hard ta imagine dat bimbo goin' after Senator Amidala. But dey both be dead. Dey paid de price for deir shoddy plans, didn't dey? Dey would'a been better off wit' me, I tink. I would'na killed dem, mon.
Den I shrunk, suddenly, down ta two feet tall.
Steve the Spider: And there goes another blob of resentment. There must be only one or two more to go. Come on, Yarael.
Yarael: Righto, mon.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Psychoanalysis: Part 2

Wit' me eyes closed, I drifted into de dream world. Slowly, images took shape in the greyish smoke all around me. I was floaten in de council chamber. I was also standen in de middle o' de council chamber. Dis be de memory o' my briefing before me final mission, mon.
Yoda: Go you must to recover this artifact. Grave danger we are all in if allowed to keep it these bandits are. Capable of destroying Coruscant with its power, this item is. If get it back you cannot, delay the attack you must, until get back from Naboo, Jar Jar does. If going to die are we, at least take him with us we can!
Yarael: Why do I got ta go, mon? Dis really gonna be messen' wit' de younglings' bongo practise. Where I be gonna find a substitute teacher?
Mace: Look, man, bongos aren't important. While you're away, I'll fill in for your classes and teach the younglings to be pretty!
Yarael: Damn. Now dey gonna be bald and shiny when I be comen' back.
Yoda: Listen to me you must, mmm? Important this is! Attention I crave!
Yarael: What it be now, mon?
Yoda: The bounty hunters who stole this artifact and gave this to the bandits in the first place, Jango Fett and Zam Wessel are. However, know they did not that used to destroy the planet it could be. Since know they now do, agreed to help us retrieve it they have.
Ki-Adi-Mundi: Very sporting of them, wouldn't you agree?
Yarael: So, I got ta find dese bounty hunters and, wit' dere help, steal back dis wierd bad-juju ting so dat de bandits can'na destroy Coruscant wit' it? All in a day's work, mon. In fact, it be so easy dat jah could probably send someone else. Like Obi. I waved me hand in Yoda's direction at dis bit, mon. Jah will send Obi-Wan on dis mission, mon.
Yoda: Send Kenobi on this mission I wi- Wait! Use mind-tricks on me, you must not! Cheating it is! Going are you, and final this is!
Yarael: Hmph. Fine.
Everyone left de council chambers. Den, Steve de Spider appeared.
Steve the Spider: So, whaddaya think of that? Now that you've seen this flashback, do you think maybe you know what your unfinished business is?
Dream-Yarael: Yoda... dat little green riddle monkey. He could have sent any jedi, mon, but he insisted on choosing me.
Steve the Spider: So d'ya think you stayed behind to get revenge on Yoda?
Dream-Yarael: Maybe...
Steve the Spider: But Yoda didn't know you were going to die. He sent ya on the mission, yeah, but it's not really his *fault*, is it? Besides, he's a good customer, man.
Dream-Yarael: Jah be right. And I kept sayen' how easy de mission was gonna be... Jah can't really blame him for not tinking I was gonna die dere.
Den, suddenly, I got smaller. Wit' me enormous neck, I be almost seven feet tall normally. Now I be only five feet tall all of a sudden.
Dream-Yarael: What in de name o' voodoo just happened?
Steve the Spider: It's symbolic. This is a dream sequence, you know? So the symbolism runs rampant. When I met my old buddy Yoda in a dream sequence on Tatooine, I got smaller and smaller as he got less and less afraid of me.
Dream-Yarael: So... I be getten' less afraid o' meself?
Steve the Spider (rolling all eight of his eyes): No. One of the reasons you had for staying behind as a force-ghost doesn't exist anymore, and part of your presence in the physical world disappeared with it, you know what I'm saying?
Dream-Yarael: Eh... no.
Steve the Spider: Well, outside this flashback, you'll still be the same size. But here, you'll keep getting smaller as we find and eliminate your reasons to stay behind. Eventually, you'll shrink down to the size of an atom and just pop into the ether, right? You've gotta still have reasons to be here, so let's go and find them, buddy!

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Psychoanalysis: Part 1

"Okay," said Steve de Spider. "I wantcha to think about why you're here."
"Eh... because jah gang o' hired thugs knocked me out and-"
"No, not *here*, here, I mean here, like, as opposed to *there*, you know what I'm saying?"
"The *ether*! Why d'ya think you haven't passed on, why are ya a force ghost? You're dead, buddy, you've ceased to be, you're an ex-Quermian!"
"Well, dey don't got no bongos in de ether, mon, as far as I know. Not rum either."
"That can't be all. You must have some kind of reason to stay, not just a reason not to go."
"I don't be followin' jah, mon."
"Unfinished business, Yarael, buddy. Unfinished business. That's what all youse force-ghosts have. Qui stuck around ta watch the show - well, as far as the end of Episode III, anyway - and maybe help out a bit to stop the dark side from getting the upper hand, you know? But you, you were never interested in the bigger issues. So why'd ya stay?"
"Episode III?"
"Uh... never mind. Just fuhgedaboudit. No, really, it's a very boring story."
"Yah, yah, whatever, mon." Steve de Spider wiped his forehead with his third left arm.
"Phew, that was close, almost caused a space-time anomaly... Uh, anyway, Yarael, buddy, I think your unfinished business has something to do with your final mission. It didn't go well, did it? Who was with you then? Zam Wessel and Jango Fett, huh? I'm right, aren't I? Tell me I'm right."
"How'd jah know dat, mon?"
"Listen, Yarael old buddy old pal, I know every little thing aboutcha. I used ta live in the three rings of fear, man. I was omniscient. But enough about me, hey? I want you to think back to your last mission. Just close your eyes, meditate, and remember."
"Okay, mon..." I sat down, shut me eyes, and started ta remember...

Sunday, December 04, 2005

My Analyst Told Me, Mon

De door of de padded cell opened slowly. And in walked a spider. Yah, one o' dem tings wit' eight legs, mon. Except dat dis one be five foot six. It held out its hand for me ta shake.
"The name's Steve, buddy, Steve the Spider, licensed therapist. How are ya?"
I ran over de people who I might have told about me jailbreak plan, mon. Brett, Jar Jar, Yoda- wait. Yoda. He was getten councilling for Bob de Bantha. He told Bob's therapist?

"So what jah want wit' me, mon? Did jah arrange for all de prison guards ta be Toydarian, so I could'na use me force-powers on dem?"
"Yeah, I admit it, that was me. Ya see, Yoda told me 'bout you, and I'm writing a thesis on the psychology of Force-Ghosts. What with there not being many Force-Ghosts ta go around..."
"So jah be gonna study me, do dat be it?"
"Nah, not exactly. I wanna cure you."
"Cure you of being a force-ghost, ya know what I'm saying? Send you on to the ether, and all that jazz. So how's that sound?"
"I be a force-ghost because I want ta be here, mon. I be gonna leave now." I went ta float though de wall.
"Are ya sure about that, buddy? You know, your last mission didn't go well, did it? Yeah, I've read your file. Do you think you chose ta be a force-ghost?" I stopped.
"I just... floated back ta Coruscant. I did'na tink about it, mon. It just seemed like de only choice."
"Hmm. Look, just stay a while and here me out, Yarael, old buddy old pal. It can't hurt, ya know what I'm talkin' about?"

Ah... what de heck?